Yarker, ON – This week, the Ontario cellular emergency alert system went off to the great annoyance of Peter Jenkins, who suffered a brief interruption in the stupid shit he does on the int…
Local man begrudgingly retires the word ‘awesomesauce’ from vocabulary
BURLINGTON, ON – This week, local single man Damian Chedley made the difficult decision to banish the phrase ‘awesomesauce’ from all written and verbal communication. It wasn’t an easy decision f…
Kathleen Wynne completes third draft of concession speech
TORONTO, ON – Liberal Party leader Kathleen Wynne announced this week that she has finished writing “the best draft yet” of her concession speech for the upcoming Provincial election. “Normally p…
OPINION – If this is what you get in a continental breakfast, I’d hate to see a regional breakfast
Let me get this straight: I take a break from sleazy fleabag motels to splurge at a joint with free continental breakfast. Then I wake up at the crack of dawn to partake, and you come at me with …
Avengers: Infinity War credits to simply list Hollywood actors not in the film
LOS ANGELES – This week Marvel Studios announced that, to shorten running length, Avengers: Infinity War’s credits will just list Hollywood actors that don’t appear onscreen. As Marvel Stud…
Ice storm saves conversation with local dad
TORONTO – A brutal late-season ice storm swept through Ontario this weekend, just in time to improve local son James Cougan’s phone conversation with his father. “The storm was pretty nasty, but …
Detroit man who shot at unarmed black teen charged with impersonating a police officer
Rochester Hills, MI – Rochester resident Jeffery Zeigler was arrested on Friday after firing at a teen who knocked on his door to ask for directions to school. Local police were quick to condemn …
I made soup in my crockpot, and you’re damn well going to hear about it
By: Ethan Dennis Hi, how are you? Okay, you son of a bitch, check out this soup. I made that. In my crockpot. And you’re damn well going to hear about it. Ask me how easy it was, motherfucker. No…
March For Our Lives gun control rally sets Guinness record for ‘most unarmed Americans in one location’
WASHINGTON, DC – Protesters gathered Saturday in Washington and across America for a massive demonstration against current U.S. gun laws, inadvertently setting a world record for most unarmed Ame…
Ontario Cannabis Store unveils $650,000 marketing strategy: hanging an open sign in the front window
OTTAWA – This week the Ontario Cannabis Store made public their marketing strategy for the provincial sale and distribution of marijuana – simply opening for business. “We spent $650,…