RICHMOND HILL, ON – A decision rendered by a small claims court has ordered Bryan Ramos to begin implementing a daily skincare routine at the behest of his girlfriend, Vanessa Adeyemi. “Alt…
Nation’s boyfriends begrudgingly moved by Little Women
TORONTO – Several weeks after Greta Gerwig’s 2019 adaptation of Little Women was released, thousands of boyfriends nation-wide confessed to being moved emotionally and spiritually by the fi…
Hung stocking absolutely stuffed
NORTH OF MY POLE – Oh dear God in Heaven above, early reports state that the Anderson family stockings are not only hung, but absolutely fucking stuffed. Little naughty sources say that the…
Local woman’s Spotify Year in Review very sad, very horny
EDMONTON – Yesterday, Spotify released their annual ‘Wrapped’ feature, which reveals users’ most played music from the past year. However not all were impressed, including Jillian Langdon, …
Juul unveils wrongful-death-lawsuit flavoured pods
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Following this past week’s announcement that Juul Labs would be discontinuing their top-selling mint e-cigarette pods, the company has revealed its plans to release wron…
Local woman maniacally reporting firmness of each grape
EDMONTON – Medical professionals at Royal Alexandra Hospital are unsure how to diagnose patient Sara Rostami, a young woman who is unable to consume grapes unless she is reporting back on t…
QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?
The passing of early dawn to high noon followed by brief dusk lasts but a mere second in November. The world is cloaked in miserable grey nothingness day after day, only to be broken up by endles…
Editorial: I wouldn’t want to be part of a coalition government that would have me anyway
By Andrew Scheer, Leader of the Conservative Party One of my favourite sayings by a young man named Andrew Scheer goes: I don’t care to belong to any coalition government that would have me as a …
Mazel tov! Audrey Hepburn poster weds Bob Marley poster
TORONTO – In an unlikely yet widely celebrated union, an Audrey Hepburn poster married a Bob Marley poster at an intimate ceremony held in a first year Ryerson student’s dorm this weekend. …