TORONTO – To the extreme consternation and dismay of the right-thinkers around her, Trisha MacDonald, a girl-child of 23, announced yesterday that she has taken it upon herself to venture forth i…
Life Hack! Destroy all semblance of happiness by turning your hobbies into barely profitable side hustles!
Hey Millennials! How many times have you caught yourself saying, “Man, between the terrible job market, climate change, resurgence of actual Nazis, and having no money for rent or basic necessiti…
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
CHESHIRE, UK – After years of being the lone contributor to her village’s sacrificial blood rituals due only to the fact that she is a virgin, 18-year-old Josephine Paine finally spoke out in an …
Scientists confirm cool teenagers can smell your fear
KINGSTON, ON – A team of scientists at Queen’s University issued a press release yesterday stating that after a harrowing study, they have officially concluded that cool teenagers can smell when …
Zombie therapist wants patients to know that they can’t keep running from their problems
TORONTO – Licensed therapist and recently alive man Dr. Mark Conway wishes everyone would understand that simply fleeing from their problems is unhelpful, unhealthy, and frankly, a little s…
Life Hack: This woman paid off her debts entirely by switching to men’s products!
Listen up ladies, life is expensive enough. But do you ever get that sneaking suspicion that you’re paying way too much for everyday items just because you identify as female? Well then congratul…
Houseplant wishes you’d let it die already
TORONTO – After six long months of suffering in an unforgiving climate with insufficient sunlight and warmth, Fernice the fern desperately wishes you could understand just how much it yearn…
Game of Thrones writers petition fans to write their own goddamn show, if they’re so smart
HOLLYWOOD – After a petition demanding that the writers of Game of Thrones rewrite the final season received over half a million signatures this week, David Benioff and D. B. Weiss fired back wit…
Distraught 20-something holds up LCBO until cashier asks to see their ID
HAMILTON – Patrons and employees of a Hamilton LCBO underwent a harrowing ordeal last night after a 20-something adult held up the cashier at knifepoint. According to eyewitnesses, the altercatio…
Woman killed by monster after realizing running is worse than death
TORONTO – Following a terrifying appearance of a werewolf in Toronto’s High Park, 33-year-old accountant Felicia Delmont was savagely ripped to pieces due to her complete and utter refusal to eng…
