MISSISSAUGA, ON – Citing a lack of other credible candidates and a smooth-drinking, life-extending flavour, 93-year-old Mississauga Mayor Hazel McCallion has thrown her influence behind bot…
123 Sesame Street torn down to make way for condos
SESAME STREET – Referring to the iconic location as an “eyesore”, Vancouver-based developers have announced plans to tear down 123 Sesame Street and replace it with a pair of 40-storey luxu…
Killer whale brought to justice
SEA OF JAPAN – After following a thirty-year long trail of slain fish, squid and seals, the crew of the whaler Pekuad Maru say that an infamous killer whale has been brought to justice. “Th…
Report: ‘Hello Kitty’ actually best possible outcome of Kroeger/Lavigne collaboration
TORONTO – According to a recent study from the University of Toronto Faculty of Music, Avril Lavigne’s derided single “Hello Kitty” is, “when you think about it, literally the best thing th…
Man breaks up with girlfriend to avoid buying tampons
MONCTON – After she requested that he pick up some tampons on his way home, local man Christopher Brunel has broken up with his girlfriend of 11 months. “At first, I was actually kind of ex…
Study finds that people in glass houses shouldn’t do a lot of things
VANCOUVER – A new study from the University of British Columbia has found that throwing stones is one of the “last things” that people in glass houses should worry about doing. “Our researc…
Cell phones keep getting oilier and oilier but nation doesn’t know what to do about it
CANADA – Despite the fact that their cell phones have become obviously unhygienic, the nation is too paralyzed by ignorance to take steps to clean them. “I don’t have greasy skin or hair, s…
Local man pretty sure fiancée’s middle name either Helen or Maureen
BURLINGTON, ON – Local man Stephen Saroyan was put on the spot last week when trying to order wedding invitations while unsure of his fiancée’s middle name. “I think she mentioned it once o…
Local family forced to euthanize talking snowman
BURLINGTON, ON – With spring coming on, Burlington’s Coates family has no choice but to put Mr. Snowglobe, the magical talking snowman they accidentally brought to life earlier this season,…
Local man’s nipples didn’t turn out the way that he’d hoped
YELLOWKNIFE, NWT – With differences in both puffiness and colouration from what he had thought they would be like, the nipples of local man Eric Willems have failed to live up to his expect…
