TORONTO – In the wake of lawsuits threatening their monopoly on beer sales in Ontario, The Beer Store is extending an olive branch to craft brewers, by offering them the chance to buy their…
Funeral procession teargassed after being mistaken for protest
TORONTO – Thirteen mourners are in hospital after police mistook the procession for a local doctor’s funeral for a demonstration. “Our job is to protect the city from violence and des…
Everything fixed after Canadian forces in Iraq for 2 months
BAGHDAD – Despite worries from opposition leaders and high-ranking military officers that the mission would spiral well beyond its initial timeframe, the presence of Canadian special forces…
Scientists discover new species of superintelligent pig is even tastier
VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia (UBC) have discovered that a newly-engineered species of pig with superhuman intelligence and empathy tastes ‘incredible’. “At …
Otherwise compassionate man willing to trample baby to get on subway
TORONTO – Despite describing himself as a generally caring and empathic person, local man Derek Li is fully willing to crush a human infant to death with his feet if it means catching his t…
Monsanto patents more efficient version of Dave
SECRET LAB, MOJAVE DESERT – Scientists and humanitarians the world over were astonished and appalled today, as the international biotechnology corporation, Monsanto, announced that they wer…
Harper slams Chief Justice on choice of outfit
OTTAWA – In the latest jab of his ongoing feud with Chief Justice of the Supreme Court Beverley McLachlin, Prime Minister Harper has slammed the jurist for her choice of outfit. “We think t…
New app locates hottest nearby places to curl up and die
SAN FRANCISCO – Taking Silicon Valley by storm, the new smartphone app ‘Surrendster’ uses GPS technology to find the hippest nearby place for you to go, cough once or twice, and…
Underground firefighting legalized
BRAMPTON, ON – A recent Alcohol and Gaming Commission bill has declared the underground fire fighting circuit in Brampton to be legal. “It doesn’t appear as though the fires are being force…
Erection pills made from last rhino don’t even work
TANZANIA – After poaching, despoiling and making pills out of the last living Black Rhinoceros in existence, local banker Dave Shen remains unable to maintain an erection. “What a waste,” s…
