OTTAWA – A recent discovery has shown that you fucked with the wrong practitioners of hypothetico-deductive methodology. “As in all science, we started by formulating a question: how badly …
New edition of Slip ‘N Slide comes with built-in rocks
EMERYVILLE, CA – A classic summer toy for children, the Slip ‘N Slide is getting a 21st-century makeover, with the new design featuring built-in chunks of stuff that hurts the human body. “…
Cat just keeps getting bigger
HAMILTON, ON – Despite health risks and the recommendations of veterinarians, local cat Cheesecake has continued to be fed, and continued to grow, at an alarming rate. “I understand h…
Mom replaces dead husband while kids away at camp
ESSEX, ON – Following the unexpected death of her husband Greg, mother of two Shelly Polluck has managed to find a replacement with similar markings just days before her children return fro…
PAN AM UPDATE: CANADA WINS GREEN IN WATER HOCKEY
TORONTO – After a breathtaking match against Suriname, the Canadian water hockey team has surged to victory, claiming Canada’s first green ribbon in the 2015 Pan Am Games. “We went out ther…
Stephen Harper slams current government for mishandling economy
OTTAWA – With the 2015 election just around the corner, Stephen Harper has launched a major political offensive, lambasting the current government for its mismanagement of the nation’s fina…
US makes peace with gay community to focus on war with black community
WASHINGTON – After a decades-long war, the United States has signed an armistice with the gay community, in order to better carry out its campaign against black Americans. “Fighting on two …
Wacky Orca delights kids with curved fin
NIAGARA FALLS, ON – With his dorsal fin deformed into a zany semicircle by the repetitive stress of swimming in small circles, Marineland’s new star Orca, Kitsak, has already brought …
Bill Blair wins Liberal candidacy after kettling nomination meeting
TORONTO – Former Toronto police chief Bill Blair has won the Liberal Party nomination in the riding of Scarborough Southwest after kettling the nomination meeting. Saying that it was the mo…
Wynne promises sale of Hydro One won’t cause problems until she’s out of office
TORONTO – Coming on the heels of criticism of her government’s proposed sale of 60 percent of Hydro One, Premier Wynne has reassured the province it is a move that will only cause trouble ‘…
