TORONTO – Sources say that, despite what you might have thought, the guy that they used to call “Muttonhawk” seems to have actually been doing pretty alright, these last couple of years. “I…
Party-goer sure New Year’s cigar won’t make him throw up this time
TORONTO – In spite of four previous years’ worth of contrary evidence, local man Jeff Andrews is firm in his belief that he can handle a cigar without becoming horribly ill this New Year’s Eve. “…
Platonic friends have same number of faces, vertices, are fucking
MONTREAL – Insisting that they’re ‘just friends’, a pair of local octahedrons share the same number of edges and interior angle degrees, and are secretly having just the nastiest sex with e…
Local man unashamed that he still owns devil-sticks
Nineteen years after he first got them, Kingston resident Darren McPhee, 33, has reaffirmed publicly that he both owns devil-sticks and regularly uses them. “Yeah, I stick,” said McPhee, “I can k…
Body of Jimmy Hoffa discovered behind permanent retainer wire
DETROIT, MI – After a decades-long search, authorities have located the body of labour leader Jimmy Hoffa behind the permanent retainer wire of local 20-year-old Flora Williams. “It’s tough…
Smarter-than-average bear seems to have fashioned crude shiv
JELLYSTONE PARK, WY – A local bear seems to have used his higher-than-normal intelligence to turn a crushed soda can into some manner of rudimentary knife. “I’ve caught this bear trying to …
Worker bees unionize
MEDICINE HAT, AB – For the first time in apiary history, worker bees are organizing to stand up for their basic rights. “People think bees don’t need to sleep,” said Worker Bee #458909. “We…
‘Brass Band of Brothers’ becomes HBO’s worst ever show
After years as a home of critically-acclaimed television, HBO has begun to air a brass-instrument-themed spinoff of Band of Brothers: a show that critics are calling not only one of HBO’s, but on…
CBC sends Justin Trudeau holiday gift basket complete with artisanal CBC donation box
OTTAWA – In the spirit of the season, Prime Minister Trudeau has received a gift basket from the CBC filled with shortbread cookies, dried fruits, and a beautifully hand-carved donation box…
Uncle just calling to say ‘how’s it going’, ‘9/11 was an inside job’
MARMORA, ON – After not having seen the family since Christmas, Uncle Dave has decided to just call and see what’s up, as well as remind you that he thinks 9/11 was perpetrated by the U.S. …
