OTTAWA – Calling on his training as a former french and math teacher, Prime Minister Trudeau has started cracking down on cellphone use across the country. “Look, I don’t want to be the bad…
Report: Notley stepping down would to lead to 300% increase in Conservative government jobs
ALBERTA – Conservative critics of the Alberta NDP took Premier Rachel Notley to task this afternoon, claiming that her actions have put dozens of Conservative Members of Provincial Parliame…
Ghomeshi witness discredited while being attacked by Ghomeshi on the stand
TORONTO – The third woman to testify in the Jian Ghomeshi sexual assault trial has had her testimony discredited, this time while being allegedly choked by the former CBC radio star while o…
CBC installs Schitt’s Creek advertisement behind nation’s eyelids
TORONTO – With the second season of Schitt’s Creek in full swing, the CBC has ramped up its promotion of the show to even greater levels, by holding open the eyelids of every Canadian and a…
Ghomeshi’s confidence evaporates as he sees trial judge is Billy Bob Thornton
TORONTO – Tensions ran high during the first day of the Jian Ghomeshi trial, after a last minute change of judge saw the Honourable Justice Billy Bob Thornton presiding. “Would you look who…
Nation emerges from January depression just in time to enter February blahs
NATIONWIDE – After spending the last month in seasonally-affected misery, the nation has emerged, just in time to also spend the next month in a complete funk. “Thank god this bout of depre…
Tragic alcoholic described as ‘Legend’
TORONTO – Forty-six years old and plunging deep through the lightless depths of his addiction, local man Darren Hall is routinely described by coworkers and acquaintances as ‘A Legend’, ‘Th…
NASA discovers 9th planet in continued attempt to win back Jessica
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After recent advances in radiotelemetry failed to bring that smile back to her face when she saw them, NASA scientists have discovered a new planet, in hopes that the ‘gr…
Buddy cops acquitted in shooting of teen
TORONTO – Several months after shooting a teenage person of colour over three hundred times, a buttoned-down desk jockey and a maverick, ladies-man beat cop have been acquitted, and, more i…
Hotel janitor getting real sick of bleeding walls
GREY PEAK, AB – After thirteen years as custodian of the historic Everwatch Inn, Gerald Davis is fed up with cleaning the rivulets of human blood that constantly seep from the hotel’s…
