TORONTO – Twenty minutes after stumbling across Michael Bublé’s new Canadian walk of fame star, Aunt Linda is still standing motionless in front of it, with her eyes closed and her ha…
Oil pipelines need stronger oversight, says watchdog someone forgot to pay off
OTTAWA – The National Energy Board is not doing enough to make sure pipeline companies are complying with regulations, says a new report by the federal commissioner of the environment and s…
Forensic paleontologist solves prehistoric cold case
DRUMHELLER, AB – Some one hundred and forty five million years after the case was abandoned by authorities, maverick paleontologist Dr. Matthew Parch has found new fossil evidence in a Jura…
Nation worried about spying, says CSIS review of private correspondences
OTTAWA – An in-depth survey by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service has found Canadians are deeply troubled by the idea of mass surveillance, according to their personal letters and d…
Local couple buys last affordable piece of non-haunted Toronto real estate
TORONTO – A local couple has purchased Toronto’s last piece of real estate that could reasonably be maintained by an average-income family, that is also free of tormented spirits. “We…
6-year-old staying on no-fly list until involvement in 9/11 ruled out
MARKHAM, ON. – After reviewing the case of 6-year-old Syed Adam Ahmed, Public Safety Minister Ralph Goodale says he will remain on the no fly list until it is ‘rock solid’ that he was not i…
Trudeau hints next Governor General may be giant Canada Goose
OTTAWA – In what is being hailed as a victory for diversity, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has dropped several hints in the last week that the nation’s next head of state may well be a huma…
Study: All remaining Canadian journalists able to fit inside 1997 Volkswagen Jetta
TORONTO – A study by Professor Simone Caffrey at Ryerson University has shown that as a result of massive layoffs in Canada’s news organizations, all remaining Canadian journalists, when st…
Local dad’s four shares plummeting
BRAMPTON – Cries of distress have been heard from the basement of local man Geoffrey Costa this afternoon, after he returned home from work to discover that he had lost nearly $100 in the markets…
After pet cosmetic surgery ban, Quebec faces epidemic of unfuckable pets
QUEBEC CITY – After Quebec’s order of veterinarians banned cosmetic ear-cropping and tail-docking, the province is facing an unprecedented surge in completely fugly pets. “Augh, nasty,” sai…
