OTTAWA – Health Canada will release a series of television commercials warning Canadians about the dangers of voting for the Liberal Party. Anchor: Aaron Hagey-Mackay Sound Effect: Mansardi…
BUT THIS IS MY INDOOR VOICE
By: Hon. John Baird OVER MY POLITICAL CAREER THERE HAVE BEEN MANY ON BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE WHO HAVE THOUGHT MY PRESENCE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS TO BE SOMEHOW BOTHERSOME. IT HAS BEEN SOMEWHAT OF…
Soccer fans warming up car horns for World Cup
TORONTO – Football (or soccer) fans in the nation’s largest city are busy preparing their car horns ahead of the World Cup this year in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, so they can honk them ceasele…
Prom night ruined by expectations
NATIONAL – Teenagers everywhere are reporting that their local high school proms have been completely ruined by expectations built up over years of movies, television and their own lack of …
GM recalls being good at making cars
DETROIT, MI – In the wake of several manufacturing errors on many different models affecting over 13.6 million vehicles, General Motors has announced that it is recalling that it used to be…
Experts searching for Malaysian Flight 370 report ‘Fuck it, it was aliens’
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Upon completing their submersible drone sweep of the floor of the Indian ocean, researchers searching for the missing Malaysian airline flight 370 say they have reached…
Family spends entire long weekend stuck in traffic
TORONTO – The Warringtons of Toronto, Ontario got away from the big city over the long weekend by sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic as a family. “This was a bonding experience for us,” sa…
Tim Hortons celebrates 50 years of exploiting national identity for profit
HAMILTON, ON – International restaurant chain Tim Hortons is celebrating 50 years of instilling and manipulating contrived patriotic sentiment in Canadian consumers towards their brand coff…
Workplace accidents fall to zero after factory institutes strict ‘walk-it-off’ policy
HAMILTON, ON – Metallic refinery ConCan Steel has made it through an entire year with a flawless safety record after implementing a revolutionary “walk-it-off” policy, where employees compl…
I bet my daughter could beat up your daughter
By Henry Smithersbee Hey you! How strong is your daughter? I bet you that my daughter could totally beat up your daughter. Yeah, she’s really strong, and tough and stuff. So I don’t think your da…
