NEW YORK- The complete eradication of sentient life on our planet spurned the end of history, the death of time, and a permanent all-consuming blackness, as markets reacted negatively, shedding eleven points to close down .02% on the day.
“To some degree, the losses associated with the end times were priced-in by investors,” claimed BMO Stock Analyst Terry Hughes. “What we’re seeing is the market react to news in real time. Whenever that happens, opportunities to buy at a discount will appear, and investors will flood in. Everyone can smell a deal and wants to move their savings into equities.”
As the oceans baked dry and the air around us turned to ash, the Dow Jones was suffering through sluggish demand in the energy and consumer sectors, caused by the end of both energy and consumers. This created headwinds for resource-heavy indexes and funds tied to seasonal spending, leading to what some called “a fire sale” referring to both the discounts available and the conquering fire that ravaged our planet.
“You can’t win every day,” said independent investor Chuck Lawrence. “But if you keep buying, and make sure to ride out the down-cycles, you’ll end up richer in the end. AI is really going to revolutionize the way the world does business! You should always buy that dip!”
Some market watchers were concerned that the end of all things would cause long-term problems for the equities market. Among them was National Bank analyst Sarah Reed. “To be clear, we are talking about the complete and final end of production, and the loss of any future forms of consumption. There are no companies. There is no commerce. There is no Earth. It is possible that the Dow will close down double-digits again tomorrow.”
Mr Hughes and Ms Reed did not mourn life on earth, but noted its demise with circumspection. “Humanity is gone, but we survive,” they said. “Stock analysts are older than dust, and older still than the stuff dust was born from.”
In other news, Gold finished down three points, Pork Belly Futures up an eighth, and the Polymarket bet for “Will the Leafs ever win another Stanley Cup?” closed at 15% Yes.
