PICTON, ON – Legendary Canadian musician Bruce Cockburn has made good on his threat from his 1984 hit, “If I had a Rocket Launcher” and has finally made someone pay.
The 72-year-old prolific folk-rock singer-songwriter and guitarist retaliated against an unknown assailant earlier today by launching a rocket propelled grenade.
“We thought he was using the term rocket launcher as a metaphor,” explained OPP Sgt. Tim Dube shrugged while standing near a smoking crater where the aforementioned “son-of-a-bitch” was blown to pieces. “We interpreted his lyrics as more of a call to action and a distilled sense of anger towards the atrocities being committed by the US-backed Guatemalan military against refugees in the 1980s than a literal threat.”
According to sources at the scene, Cockburn claimed he didn’t believe in guarded borders, hate, or generals and their stinking torture states, but clarified that he just wanted to blow someone up if given a chance.
“There’s so many people who thought I was being poetic,” Cockburn explained while reloading his Russian-made RPG-7. “But, no, I just wanted the opportunity to blast someone sky-high the moment I got my hands on one of these bad-boys.”
Police said they will arrest Cockburn the moment he finishes playing “Wondering Where The Lions Are,” “Lovers In a Dangerous Time,” and most of the songs on his newest album.
