OTTAWA – A new study by the recently defunded Carleton University research institute has concluded that studies are very useful and should be commissioned much more often.
“Our research indicated clearly that an argument or theory was over 90 percent more likely to be believed if the person making it was able to quote a study in support,” said statistician Dr. Harold Langer.
“Basically you would be a fool not to order a study be performed!” added the head of the nearly bankrupt institute.
Lead surveyist, Donald Gallagher, explained further. “Let’s say you need to convince someone that global warming is occurring in the face of their point that the earth’s temperature is cyclical. Just whip out our 1300 page report on the impact warmer climates are having on the mating cycle of the arctic puffin and say ‘suck on this motherfucka.’”
Gallagher continued. “Or lets say you need to shut down some academic snob giving you the stink eye just because you drive a car big enough to fit a real man. Why not order a study showing how the earth has experienced similar temperature rises throughout its history, throw it in their face and yell ‘suck on this mutherfucka.’”
“You could also commission a study on the best insults to yell when presenting the results of other studies,” added the hungry eyed scientist.
The study consisted of examinations of over 5000 subjects of all race, class, sex and creed. The individuals were brought into a room and presented with two arguments, one which had the backing of a scientific study and one that did not. They were then asked if they felt the argument with the study to be more effective, and if they would like a cookie. The vast majority said yes.
At press time, the institute was already hard at work on its next study: an in depth look into whether scientists really do make better lovers.
