By Alvin Priestly
You know, every so often I’ll stumble across a news story about some person who thinks they’ve seen Elvis somewhere.
Maybe they saw him in a blue Dodge B100 parked outside of Rhonda’s Bakery in Wurstburg Michigan on September 4th, 1983. Or else maybe they saw him check into a doctor’s office for a routine angioplasty in Wichita Kansas on April 16th of 2002. Or else maybe they saw him take part in a top-secret supersoldier experiment under Cheyenne mountain on January 29th of 2013 at 5:15 in the morning. Who knows? People come up with some crazy crazy things.
But let’s not be whackos here. Everybody knows that Elvis Presley died in 1977.
I mean, why would Elvis fake his own death? Of all people, Elvis? It isn’t as though he was an aging man for whom glittering fame had long since been revealed to be a false and gaudy trinket, a proud individual for whom his own fast approaching and shameful decline would have been too much to bear, or a tired man who had long since been imprisoned by his own notoriety and would have been willing to do anything, anything to regain the freedom of anonymity, right? I mean, come on!
And even if he did want to fake his own death, there is absolutely no way that Elvis could have used his extensive experience with drugs to induce a deathlike state, and then climb out of the coffin in the dead of night, replacing himself with a wax model before using papers manufactured for him by his former illegal immigrant manager to escape across the border in order to use his 8th degree black belt to subdue a drug cartel and rule the mexican wilds for 16 years like an emperor of days gone by, right?
That would just be, I mean, hahaha, who would believe, I mean, let’s get real. Elvis is just, hoo boy, him being dead is really the simplest possible answer here. I mean all of this other stuff is just far too implausible.
I mean, of course Elvis died in 1977! What kind of a lunatic would you have to be to believe that he didn’t? What are people going to say next? That the FBI were complicit in the assassination of Martin Luther King Junior? That the government puts fluoride in the water? That Elvis, Tupac and Amy Winehouse never died, but that that were recruited as agents of the secret world government as part of a shadow war against nazi communists?
Don’t be ridiculous. The world is exactly how it seems. Elvis died in 1977. I was never here. You don’t remember anything.
