TORONTO – In response to a rash of violent sexual assaults against women students at York University’s Keele Campus in 2012, the school’s President Mamdouh Shoukri claims the institution has come up with a foolproof plan to improve the situation: stop admitting female students.
Shoukri told reporters at a press conference, “We looked at all the assaults perpetrated against women on our campus, and we realized the attacks happen at different times in the day, on different parts of campus, but no matter what, the common denominator is that violence against women always involves a female victim.”
Shoukri pointed to a detailed study commissioned by his office, which found that campus sexual assaults against women were much less frequent before Universities started admitting female students en masse in the early to mid twentieth century.
Continued Shoukri: “In light of our detailed analysis regarding the epidemic of violence against women at York, we have elected not to adopt bandaid solutions such as increasing security or buying safety features like blue lights anymore. Instead, we are going to attack the root of the problem, the existence of women students. We just won’t be admitting any more women starting in 2013. This is for their own protection.”
A spokesperson for the Metro Toronto Police Force praised the decision. “I’ve been told I really shouldn’t say this again, but if you want to avoid getting sexually assaulted, stop dressing like students and attending York University. That place is not safe for women.”
