LONGUEUIL, QC – A local woman is totally not jealous of Christina Koch, the NASA astronaut who now holds the record for being the woman farthest away from Earth.
Katherine Walker, 36, announced her completely unresentful status while discussing the latest Artemis II headlines with her group of girlfriends. “I’m genuinely so happy for her,” said Walker, wiping tears caused by either year-round seasonal allergies or the latest apocalyptic news cycle. “It’s so awesome that she gets to be 240,000 miles away from whatever the fuck this is while we’re on the ground dealing with whatever the fuck this is.”
Walker added, “It’s great. Love that for her and also for us.”
Walker’s work bestie, Cheyenne Levesque, agrees. “Koch gets to look at the moon while we get to look at our rising cost of living and greenhouse gas numbers? That’s so great. We’re all doing great.”
“Did I mention it’s great?” added Walker, sharing a dead-eyed look with Levesque.
The women went on to describe various aspects of Koch’s situation that they “definitely do not envy”.
“Her husband can’t call her at work to ask where his pants are? Girl is missing out on valuable bonding time,” says Walker, scrolling through today’s batch of “wyd” Tinder messages.
“She doesn’t have to worry about space-walking alone at night? What’s life without a little spice?” asks Levesque, openly weeping into her undergraduate copy of The Book of the City of Ladies.
The Earth-bound women were then forced to put a pin in their conversation as they went about their days generating unfathomable wealth for unseen billionaires, before going home to enjoy groceries they can barely afford in homes they will never own to the tune of their favourite TV shows that will get preemptively cancelled.
Upon learning that tech bros are also in the process of ruining space, Walker began maladaptive daydreaming about the multiverse.
