CALGARY, AB ― After decades of analyzing report card data, Little League statistics, university drop out rates, and recordings of just fucking terrible violin etudes provided by the Royal Conservatory of Music, an international team of social scientists have finally pinpointed the age when doing your best is no longer good enough at 13.8 years.
“It varies, though. In academics, you can get up to 16.1 years on studying really really hard before your grades start to count for university. Whereas in music and sports, the average is much lower. Team sports are 8.3 years, and for music, it’s 10.5,” explained lead researcher Ingrid Miller, who studies child development at the University of Calgary.
“Some countries are also outliers. China and South Korea have the lowest ages, 0.2 and 0.1 years, respectively. Iceland had the highest, at 24.4. We’re operating on the theory that that’s due to a strong social safety net plus no Icelander having done anything notable anyway since Leif Eriksen in the 11th century.”
That said, the researchers clarified that in Canada, the number to keep in mind is 13.8. “After that age, everyone else will get way better at everything you love through diligent practice until you aren’t good enough to even participate, and also if your grades slip even a little, you will instantly forfeit all chance at your first through fourth choices of university program.”
The researchers urge Canadian parents, teachers, and coaches toadapt how they talk to children to ease the overnight adjustment from feeling safe and loved to being a useless fuckup cursing the broken condom that is singularly responsible for their excruciating existence. “Ideally, just stop ever telling children to just do their best and you’ll love them no matter what, because that isn’t how the real world works,” Miller advised. “Trying isn’t good enough out there. So if they make their bed without being asked, don’t praise or thank them. Point out that they didn’t tuck the sheets.”
“You don’t want them to waste that precious first decade pursuing enjoyable but non-lucrative hobbies when they should be networking, networking, networking.”
However, if parents insist on keeping this fiction alive, the researchers suggest breaking it at the same time as the truths about Santa and the meritocracy, to get it all over with at once. Another recommendation is to mark the 292nd day after their thirteenth birthday on a calendar with a big red X, so they know exactly how much childhood they have left and can enjoy it fully.
Other academics within the field have largely found the research to be comprehensive and well-conducted. However, they caution that this area is understudied, and are calling for a new investigation into whether the age increases proportional to how many billions of dollars your parents are hiding in offshore accounts, or whether there are in fact any circumstances under which women or minorities might be good enough.
