MILAN – After causing the nation 3 straight days of what can only be described as “holy shit, holy shit, I’m going to lose my god damn mind” levels of stress at the Olympics, the government has ordered Hockey Canada to pay for all Canadians’ therapy appointments for the next 3 weeks.
“You can’t just put Canadians through multiple days of sudden death hockey, including two 3 on 3 overtime games, and not expect it to take an emotional toll that requires therapeutic intervention,” said Harvey Kears of the PMO. “We expect the cost to be about 125 million, which Hockey Canada can cover by making this year’s Christmas Party a cash bar.”
“Of course, if the men’s team ends up breaking our hearts like the women’s team did, the costs will skyrocket.”
Booking calls to therapists have skyrocketed in recent weeks, with patients reporting things like “hearts beating so loud they can hear it even with the tv volume set to max”, “panic attacks thinking about what happens if Suzuki doesn’t get that tip-in against the Czechs” and “nightmares where I watch that U.S. player scoring the OT winner over and over again.”
“I know last week we talked about the trauma of watching my grandmother die when I was 5, but honestly this was worse,” said one patient about a hockey game featuring people he does not know.
Asked for comment the nation’s therapists assured Canadians that there are here for them and that, if the US does win double gold medals in “our sport”, the nation should take comfort in the fact that the cottages they are building will be very, very nice.
