BURLINGTON, ON – In what no one would describe as a remotely close fight, the vanilla-scented air freshener in the second-floor women’s bathroom of a local office building is accepting defeat. After the architect firm across the hall unleashed its new espresso machine, the spray knew the end was near, and it was going to be foul.
“I want to be very clear,” said the battered bottle of Glade Vanilla Bliss, speaking from behind the sanitary disposal bin Tuesday morning. “The people have spoken. The people have also been eating a lot of Greek yogurt.”
Choking back aerosolized tears, Vanilla Bliss delivered a concession speech that struck a tone of unity and reflection.
“I am full of gratitude for the trust you placed in me,” it said, pausing between flushes from stall three. “The outcome of this fight is not what I wanted, not what I fought for, but the promise of breathable air is still possible if we believe. And if Tammy acknowledges her fucking dairy allergy.”
The remarks were met with polite applause from a few paper towels stuck behind the radiator and a supportive nod from the pink hand soap, who later described the speech as classy, considering the stench.
“It’s a damn shame, but what did you expect?” asked the soap. “The spray was designed to handle a family of four – not 75 caffeinated colleagues. It was an impossible ask. And I don’t wanna hear anyone comparing Vanilla Bliss to the last spray. Lemon Love was here during COVID, when two people were in the building, neither of whom had irritable bowel syndrome.”
Analysts agree the spray’s downfall began before it started.
“The air has been polluted beyond recognition for years; you can’t send in vanilla to do a flame thrower’s job,” said vent correspondent, Wally Waft. “It wasn’t just that the spray failed to connect with key demographics – like the egg salad eaters – it ran on a platform of optimism and light floral notes when constituents demanded something stronger, like Pine-Sol or divine intervention.”
Despite its defeat, Vanilla Bliss vowed to ensure “a smooth and peaceful transition of power” to its successor, rumoured to be a dangly cedar-scented air freshener from a car dealership. The vanquished spray has no immediate plans for the future and will be taking time to be with its family.
As the conference ended, the air thickened once more.
Within minutes, sources confirmed, the scent of defeat was overpowered by something far stronger and unmistakably human.
