Miami Florida- This morning the Kraft Heinz Corporation, who produce the beloved snack Bagel Bites announced that they will be discontinuing the deeply unpopular alternative, Bagel Chewed.
Bagel Chewed was introduced to an indifferent and disgusted public in 2020. Since hitting the market, the mush-based bread product has failed to hit any of its sales targets.
“It’s a sad day for enthusiasts of food slop, to be sure,” said Kraft Heinz CEO Mario Levantini. “We thought that because Bagel Bites are a low-effort meal for those who have given up hope, a pre-chewed alternative would be a hit. We were profoundly wrong, this is something next to no one wants.”
Bagel Chewed will be discontinuing such flavors as Pepperoni Pile, Sausage Slush, and Breakfast (Regurgitated).
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep up with the market?” Ernest Valdorf, a now unemployed food scientist tearfully exclaimed. “We have created man-made food horrors once thought to be beyond imagination…The public will eat spicy crayfish chips but draws the line at slop?”
Upon hearing the news, most consumers were hardly surprised. “They’re still making that?” exclaimed a man who preferred to remain anonymous, “I tried a sing-gruel serving of Bagel Chewed and I realized… I need to have more dignity than this. I couldn’t look at my reflection for three days. At least when I burn my mouth on a bagel bite, there’s a sense of hope.”
Some, however, disagree, “Bagel Chewed was the perfect snack to satiate not only my hunger, but also my lack of self-respect,” said proudly desperate man Greg Tuslik. “When I get home from a long day, I want to descend my snout into a sack of bagel flavored feed. I don’t even heat it up.”
Arnold Alberdine, a spokesperson for The Lobby Of Baby & Elderly Sustenance issued this statement on behalf of mush-eaters everywhere: “Once again, we see that ungrateful millennials are causing the collapse of another industry. We began life eating mush, and so too will it end that way. This is just further discrimination against the toothless.”
Despite Bagel Chewed being discontinued, Kraft Heinz CEO Levantini believes the concept of a bread-adjacent food thing was merely ahead of its time. “As material conditions worsen for the average consumer, eventually they’ll accept that they deserve no better than pre-chewed slop, and when they come crawling back, we’ll charge a premium for a nostalgic product.”
