TORONTO – Following a World Series game against the LA Dodgers that went into multiple extra innings, local Blue Jays fan Mike Cortner reports that he appears to be trapped inside a metaphysical prison where the match somehow never ended.
“They just went into the bottom of the 37th, and Ohtani is up to bat,” shrieked a wild-eyed Cortner from a horrifying place beyond all logic and sanity.
The World Series game, which saw some Canadians stay up as late as 4am (4:30 in Newfoundland), has apparently turned into a never-ending prison of cosmic terror for Cortner. Compounding matters, the now-insane Jays booster is unable to access Slack and request a sick day from his new mind-bending dimension where time has no meaning and the Dodgers always have the bases loaded.
“If anyone can hear me, tell Springer he’s gotta rest that arm! Arm! Arm! Arm…” shouted Cortner as he spiralled endlessly into the sprawling Game 3 abyss.
At press time, the remaining Toronto Blue Jays fans are stuck in a different Groundhog Day-style time loop where they will do this all over again tonight.
