WASHINGTON, DC – In a press conference today, US Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed that all non-US track and field athletes will be chased by agents of United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement while competing in the 2028 Summer Olympics.
“President Trump has always believed in government efficiency,” said Leavitt, pursing her lips together until they resembled the butthole of a fancy little dog. “So when our brave ICE agents are sprinting down the 400m track at the LA Olympics, they’ll actually be accomplishing two things at once: engaging in important fitness training exercises and rounding up some of the country’s fastest illegals.”
Peter Doocy of Fox News asked if the Trump administration considers Olympic athletes to be illegal immigrants.
“It is American athletes’ job to win medals at the Olympics, so when people from other countries come here to try to win those medals, what they’re actually doing is taking jobs away from hardworking Americans,” said Leavitt. “And if any of those athletes injure themselves while competing, they’re going to expect a medic to run onto the track and patch them up. That takes away from our Medicaid dollars for Americans, probably.”
Some Olympians say the threat of ICE agents won’t deter them from seeking Olympic glory.
“I have modified my training routine to begin preparing for the possibility of being pursued by immigration agents,” said Ugandan runner Joshua Cheptegei, reigning Olympic champion in the men’s 10,000m event. “Now when I train, I practice by having a failed mall cop wearing a cheap camouflage mask from Amazon run behind me in a giant vest that doesn’t fit. So far the main impact is that the sound of him passing out at the 4000 meter mark is a bit distracting.”
Cheptegei added, “Also, as an Olympic track champion, I’m used to Americans running behind me.”
President Trump confirmed the presence of ICE agents at the Olympics on TruthSocial, posting that he would be “looking into ordering those big ribbons, the twirly-twirly ribbons, you’ve never seen ribbons like those” to allow ICE agents to also compete in the rhythmic gymnastics events.
