KAMLOOPS, BC – Despite the fact that his age is clearly responsible for his persistent lower back pain, local man Alex Verders, 39, is reportedly clinging to the belief that an unexplained recent incident must be solely to blame.
Regardless of evidence indicating that his aging physique and general lack of physical activity means his back will statistically feel some variety of pain for the remainder of his life, witnesses report the local accounts manager insists on ascribing his now-chronic condition to some unusual, and presumably temporary, event.
“I must’ve tweaked it when I as helping Mary move that sofa,” mused Verders aloud, referring to the time he helped an acquaintance move a love seat well over 18 months ago.
Experts report that, despite Verders’ increasingly-desperate attempts to link his pain to some specific injury, his entire back (as well as his knees) have now entered a phase of the life cycle known clinically as “permanently busted”.
“Mr. Verders’ self-delusion about his ruined back is sadly quite common,” explains Dr. Maria Hernondez, of the Men’s Centre for Back Injury Rationalization. “Many men over the age of 30 cling to the desperate hope that their back pain could only be caused by some isolated traumatic event, like a car crash or a 10-on-1 street fight.”
Dr. Hernondez clarified, “For men in the mid-30s onward, the leading causes of back pain are standing up, lying down in bed, and remaining perfectly still. As I told one patient earlier this week, ‘Your back is fucked now. Deal with it.'”
Meanwhile, witnesses report that Mr. Verders has continued to offer unprompted explanations about his perfectly normal back pain to friends, co-workers, and particularly random women in line at Starbucks.
“I know my back, and it’s normally totally fine,” Verders blithely asserted to one barista, ignoring the fact that he consistently grunts when entering and exiting all chairs. “In a couple of days, I’ll be back to 100%,” he naively insisted, blind to the truth that his back’s future baseline of health will remain at 60% or lower for the rest of his life.
At press time, Verders also noted that he “must’ve drank a lot last night to be this hungover,” despite only consuming one and a half bottles of Corona.
