HAMILTON, ON — Reports have confirmed that Miley Autlin, 24, a person previously believed by experts to be “cool”, “up on the scene” and even “really into the new stuff” literally didn’t even know that LCD Soundsystem was a band.
“We’re extremely concerned that someone with Miley’s lack of knowledge about a band as groundbreaking, respected, and, most importantly, young, as LCD Soundsystem could ever have seemed like a cool person to us,” said Scott Burnaby, owner of the craft brewery where Autlin works.
“I thought she was kind of a trendy type – she had TikTok on her phone, and a septum piercing, and a Letterboxd account. One time she tried a new IPA and said ‘That’s a banger.’”
“You know, like a really cool young person would” Burnaby added.
“But then, one night she was working I put on Dance Yrself Clean, and she said, I swear to God, “I like this music, who is it?””
“Like what is she, 50 years old?” asked Burnaby, who is 44.
“She literally thought it was a piece of equipment,” coworker Trish Yao told reporters. “And then I had to be like no, it’s a band. And I showed her a picture, and she was like, isn’t that basically just one guy? And I had to be like, yeah, but he’s still a band.”
While Autlin expressed polite interest in her coworkers’ story of seeing LCD play Southpaw, she didn’t even seem interested in looking at pictures of the venue, even though it had closed only 13 years ago in 2012.
“Whatever, it’s fine. She’s probably just one of those kids who’s into more mainstream stuff like Gwen Stefani and Kelly Clarkson and the Black Eyed Peas.”
Burnaby and Yao however, are working to expand Autlin’s cultural horizons. They’ve sent her links to Pitchfork and AV Club articles to help her get in touch with indie publications that are really on the pulse of up-and-coming bands. Yao even helped Autlin to set up a limewire account so she can check out hip young groups like The New Pornographers, Neutral Milk Hotel, and Margot and the Nuclear So-and-Sos.
“She couldn’t believe those were actual real band names! Like, they sounded silly to her,” Burnaby said with an indulgent smile. “But that’s the nature of courageous new art,” he said, turning more serious. “You have to really challenge the squares, ya know?”
