BURLINGTON, ON – A small indoor cactus found clinging to life was reportedly facing conditions worse than the actual desert, experts say.
“Cacti is consistently ranked as one of the easiest indoor plants to keep alive,” says botanist Dr. Joseph Graham. “Their low-maintenance and resilient nature make them a perfect choice for beginners, kids, and dumb dumbs. But it’s clear that this particular cactus would have been better off in the harsh, barren, 40 degree desert where it would have at least received a few pathetic drops of water a year than in this suburban home with access to full resources.”
The doomed plant – afflicted with root rot, yellowed spines, and ennui – was left for dead in an unventilated, windowless bathroom. It sat in a decorative pot without drainage, its frayed little plant tag still standing with care instructions begging to be read. The plant’s air quality conditions were determined to be highly toxic due to its location – that being directly atop the toilet tank and below a Febreze plug in.
“Like many living things, cacti have a few basic survival needs: sunlight, water, air,” says Dr. Graham. “This little guy never saw the sun, only fluorescent light from a tacky bathroom vanity fixture. He was never given adequate water, only steam from the shower. He never experienced fresh air, only scent boosters, hairspray vapor, and most devastatingly – Axe body spray fumes. This was truly a house of horrors.”
According to neighbors, the plant was also subjected to multiple instances of psychological distress by watching “at least five” of its predecessors die and by being consistently knocked to the ground yet never relocated. Furthermore, country rap music was frequently played throughout the home. “That’s messed up,” says Dr. Graham. “Everyone knows cacti’s favourite genre is electro house!”
The plant’s deadbeat parent, who wishes to remain anonymous, insists that she did water the cactus “when she remembered,” but couldn’t remember the last time she remembered.
The cactus was not the only casualty found on the property – there was also a rotten orchid, a pot of shrivelled daffodils, and a hamster who looked well cared for but had an anxious look in his eyes that asked ‘am I next?’
“While it’s too late for them, our task force has removed the cactus from this torture chamber,” says Dr. Graham. “The good news is that with even a shred of care, he’s expected to make a full recovery.”
