OTTAWA – A new federal mental health initiative has seen the opening of a 24/7 distress hotline that will provide emergency support for Canadians who have been forced to cheer for the Oilers in the Stanley Cup Finals.
“Every year, Canadians dread the worst-case scenario of no Canadian teams making it to the Stanley Cup finals,” said senior Health Canada representative Priti Sharma. “But it turns out that there’s an even worse possibility, which is having to root for the Edmonton Oilers two years in a row. And that’s why we are proud to be launching a new 24/7 distress hotline to help all Canadians who are struggling to get through a chant of “Let’s Go, Oilers” without heading out to the garage and turning on the ignition.”
Canadians across the country say they have already been helped by the new resource.
“I’m going to be honest with you, when I dialed those numbers, I was probably in the darkest place I’d ever been in my life. I didn’t think I had the strength to make it through another whole playoff cheering for the Oilers,” said 46-year-old Leafs fan Alan Gunner. “But the people at the hotline were there for me. They listened. They understood. And most importantly, they pointed out that it was unwise to kill myself because there are almost definitely Oilers games in Hell.”
“And better yet,” continued Gunner, “they reminded me that if Alberta secedes from the country, I’ll never have to cheer for the Oilers or the Flames ever again.”
The hotline is entirely staffed by volunteers who undergo rigorous training before answering their first call.
“The training process is really thorough; they really do a good job of making sure we’re ready to assist callers,” said hotline volunteer and lifelong Habs fan Trisha Levesque. “Honestly, most people don’t even make it through the first screening test, which is just saying the full sentence ‘Leon Draisaitl is really gonna bring it home this year’ without throwing up on your own shoes.”
Health Canada have stated that they are considering further emergency supports in the event that the Oilers lose, which may include expanding hotline staffing, temporarily classifying diazepam as an over-the-counter medication, or simply disbanding Edmonton as a legal and geographical entity.
