ZÜRICH – The clandestine organization of evil billionaires who have worked for decades to undermine the world’s education systems, thus making the populace easier to control, have recently decided that simply letting students use ChatGPT will work much faster.
During a secret meeting inside an ominously lit boardroom deep within a hidden compound, the collection of plutocrats, dictators, and rapacious industrialists all unanimously agreed with this “much easier ChatGPT plan”. Projections show that students’ enthusiastic use of so-called Artificial Intelligence will be exponentially more effective in creating the next generation of easily-manipulated consumer serfs, thus allowing the world’s elite to rule with impunity.
“All these years, plotting our vast machiavellian schemes to defund schools and insert bible-based pseudoscience into curriculum, and now kids are just eagerly using a website that writes their essays for them,” explained one transnational petrochemical magnate sitting in a $10,000 leather chair.
The assembled autocrats also concurred that their previous meticulous plans to hijack public education, thus slowly destroying the ability of future generations to think critically or organize effectively against their corporate overlords, was no match for the brain-stunting effects of commercially-available AI programs.
“I say we take the W, and use the extra time to work on our climate change bunkers,” added another mysterious Middle Eastern prince who had previously used his nation’s sovereign wealth fund to excise basic financial and civic literacy from classrooms around the globe.
According to the cabal’s well-funded psychometric research, providing young people access to free software that can instantly reproduce most of their schoolwork is 500% more effective at limiting cognitive development than underfunding school districts, firing teachers, or even previous efforts to pump mild neurotoxins into AP Physics classrooms.
“Plus, by letting students feel like everyone is ‘getting away with something’ by using AI to cheat, it has the double effect of suppressing their cognition AND undermining their trust in societal cohesion, which is actually the next meeting I have to get to,” explained a grinning Vladimir Putin.
A lone objection to the “let students melt their brains with ChatGPT” initiative came from the Chinese tech contingent, who noted that they “had worked really hard” to calibrate TikTok to destroy youths’ ability to focus and develop complex abstract thoughts. This objection was withdrawn following a proposal to insert ChatGPT code into TikTok’s algorithm, thus creating a never-ending cascade of mind-enslaving AI slop.
The meeting then closed out with the assembled oligarchs spending 45 minutes mocking Elon Musk for calling himself “the richest man in the world” while actually just being dogshit at hiding his assets.
