ROCHESTER, MN — Reports are coming in that a ham and cheese sandwich suffered a grievous injury in its internal ingredients, necessitating medical evacuation to the Mayo Clinic.
“This is about as serious a case as I’ve ever seen,” said presiding sandwich physician Dr. M. Whip. “We’re running tests and prepping our knives for surgery.”
“I had a sense something wasn’t right,” said the sandwich’s purchaser Melanie Rocha of Fredericton, NB. “The toothpick fell out, the cheese curled up in the corners in a defensive sneer, and the ham started oozing a strange viscous fluid. I knew this needed attention from a professional.”
While the Mayo Clinic is primarily known for treating sandwiches, they’ve branched out in recent years as french fries, pizza, and even sushi have been rushed to the clinic while experiencing emergencies that no other medical facility has the expertise to treat.
“We’ve got our patient hooked up to an aioli drip,” said Dr. Whip as nurses carefully set aside the pickle slice. “That, along with an infusion of turkey should put it under. Prospects indicate a successful procedure. It’s a strong sandwich.
“We treat our patients’ emotional ingredients as well,” said resident counsellor Dr. B. L. Tomato. “It can be frightening to be a sandwich in a hospital. There’s the fear of amputation due to bread mold, there’s the noisy beeps of panini presses from patients on freshness support, and many find it humiliating to be wrapped in wax paper that doesn’t go all the way around the back.”
Dr. Whip was unable to comment on this case any further as he had to attend to another sandwich which was brought into the clinic suffering severe bread dissolusion due to soup dunking.
