SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Prominent video game CEO Matt Richter has just announced he’s only 10 layoffs away from earning the coveted ‘Decimated Industry” game industry achievement.
“To think I’m just ten layoffs away from unleashing permadeath upon my company’s creative morale is…” Richter sighed dreamily. “Well, every little boy dreams of crushing the spirit of an industry, don’t they? And now, it’s my time to shine.”
Richter is the head of Jiggle Physics, a AAA mega-studio formed when Richter received a fetch quest to purchase 50 profitable indie companies and then bankrupt each of them one by one.
“And I did it all without actually releasing even one video game to the public,” Richter bragged. “That’s an achievement too, you know. It’s called ‘Art And Capitalism Mixing Well Once Again.’”
The only mechanism currently keeping Jiggle Physics afloat is its core gameplay loop of quarterly layoffs intended to boost shareholder earnings. At the top of each day, the company’s HR department will aggregate a randomly generated list of employees. Richter will then let them go ‘to see if anything breaks.’ He has unceremoniously ruined the lives of 4,990 employees this way over the past 5 quarters.
“In terms of layoff achieve-o’s, I’ve unlocked Crying In The Boardroom, The Saddest Single Dad, But How Will I Pay For My Medication?, After 10 Years This is the Thanks I Get, and I Will Key Your Tesla (Platinum Tier),” Richter grinned contentedly. “At this rate I’m totally gonna 100% ‘Being a Video Game Company CEO’ by 2026.”
Initially Richter was nervous to face down the final boss – a shadowy plurality known only as “The Investors” – but they don’t seem to be bothered by Richter’s drastic approach to stewarding their investment through tumultuous times.
“In an ideal market environment, I think of us like a horse glue factory,” The Investors said in singsong unison over a chant-heavy chiptune final fight track. “Except instead of horses it’s creative professionals, and instead of glue it’s half-baked video games that need a dozen post-release patches to be barely playable.”
So what is this semi-broken magnum opus that Jiggle Physics has been working on?
“Oh, I’m sure our proprietary AI will come up with something,” Richter shrugged. “And when it does, I’ll be able to lay off the rest of these ingrates. Final achievement unlocked!”
