CHARLESTON, SC – Boeing employee-turned-whistleblower John Barnett was found dead this weekend after the Boeing plane he was in spontaneously combusted.
Barnett was taking the flight to take part in a deposition against his former employer, which has recently come under fire for its planes suddenly exploding, imploding, and trauma dumping. Barnett reportedly did not know he was on a Boeing aircraft, as the company’s name and logo had disappeared from the plane, along with its wings, landing gear, and central control system.
“We simply have no idea how this could have happened,” said Boeing engineer Greg Jenkins, watching fondly as a series of Boeing planes fell from the sky like cartoon anvils. “Our aircraft are the pinnacle of safety.”
Boeing is known for its rigorous quality control measures, including sniff tests, engineer pinky swears, and duct tape.
While some have decried Barnett’s sudden death amidst the lawsuit as suspicious, officials assure the public that they have nothing to worry about.
“There is absolutely nothing suspicious about this plane that happened to blow up when Barnett was the only person on board,” said Boeing spokesperson Travis McDonnell, appearing via video conference on an actively crashing plane. “Our aircraft are as safe as ever. Plus look how fast our in-flight WiFi i—”
At press time, a second Boeing whistleblowers has reported looking out his kitchen window seeing a Boeing 747 jetliner careening directly towards his home.
