MARKHAM, ON ― Local yoga instructor and healthy-eating enthusiast Bella Lincoln recently announced her intention to stop tracking macros and calories, relying instead on a whole-foods diet.
Summarizing it in a single sentence, she has explained to her family, friends, and social media followers that “From now on, I focus on eating only what I can spell and pronounce,” and consequently eliminated a wide range of dishes from her diet, including pho, tzatziki, broccoli, Worcestershire sauce, and, to the profound bemusement of her acquaintances, pork.
The more detail Lincoln went into, the more she restricted her options, as she explained that she would be reintroducing butter but still avoiding palm oil on the grounds that “I really shouldn’t eat anything my grandmother wouldn’t have had in her kitchen.”
“I’m a nutritionist, and I wholeheartedly agree with the spirit of her words,” commented friend Annika Tang. “But I’m also a pedant who happens to know that one of her grandmothers was a Southerner whose specialties were biscuits and fried cheesecake hand pies, while the other was a terrible cook whose rice was best described as ‘unintentional congee.’ So Bella might want to rephrase things a bit.”
“I feel so much better since beginning this,” gushed Lincoln as she ground pepper over the dish she would shortly introduce to her four-year-old as “bru-shetta” rather than “bru-sketta,” mangling the Italian pronunciation in a way she isn’t known to do with English words such as “bleach.”
As of her two-week update earlier today, Lincoln confirmed that while she is not particularly familiar with ingredients like “maltodextrin” and “monosodium glutamate,” she has no trouble at all pronouncing or eating “Cheetos.”
