After Pierre Poilievre described an electrician as someone who “captures lightning from the sky and runs it through a copper wire to illuminate this room and light up the world” we sat down with him and asked him to describe how he thinks other kinds of workers do their job. Here are his responses:
Farmer: “A man, sturdy as an oak and just as powerful, enters upon his field and calls forth the crops from the bosom of the goddess Demeter, whom he cradles in his arms for 23 minutes before returning to his house to make love to his wife.”
Salesperson: “The humble servant travelling the land in order to bring his wares to those in need of them, whether it be knives or candy or a book of coupons for pizzas that you will inevitably forget to use next time you order a pizza.”
Accountant: “The wisened man of numbers, toiling day and night over his abacus, quill in hand as he summons deductions and write-offs from a dimension heretofore unknown to mortal beings such as us.”
Retail worker: “The shopkeep, televisions on in the window, their lights beckoning us in away from the cold and dark to a place of warmth and kindness and 25% savings on all floor models.”
Waiter: “A cherubic thing, younger than some of the samplings from the local vineyard, who transports any tasty morcel you could desire all the way from the ovens to your very presence, and then kindly asks if you’d like pepper with that. Always get the pepper.”
Architect: “A planner carefully crossing their Ts and checking their figures in order to conjure wonders into existence from their very imagination, be they Palladiums or Bazars or great Zeppelin Stations.”
Teacher: “Groomer.”
