BURBANK, CA – The Walt Disney Corporation has spoken out in support of AI programs that might supplant actors and writers, stating that it could save them from the unmanageable expense of cryogenically freezing the heads of any required creative professionals.
“Without AI to replicate the works of deceased artists, we’ll only be able to get value out of their work while they are alive and we have to pay them,” said Disney President Robert Iger. “Plus, given the fact that keeping Walt’s head on ice takes as much power as 5 LA neighborhoods, it’s not likely we’d be able to refrigerate all the heads we might want.”
Iger continued, “AI is science, and science is meant to make our lives easier. Heck, if Robin Williams had agreed to that clause in his contract that let us put him in the chiller after death, we wouldn’t have had to plumb through all that archival footage for that Once Upon a Studio video.”
Aubrey Del Toro, a technician employed by Disney, confirmed the claims that Disney cannot flash-freeze the heads of everyone they might want to keep employed past their natural life span. “When you count all Marvel, Star Wars, and Pixar voice actors we’d need to put on ice, the Disney vault will be at 95% percent capacity by 2024. Even with all the Disney Junior talent sleeping in cryogenic pods, we still can’t feasibly put everyone in there. I’d much rather they use AI to put Princess Leia in an episode of Loki than have to choose which of the Jonas Brothers to let thaw.”
The studio’s interest in AI isn’t just limited to film and television. The company is also experimenting with the slightly less insane possibilities of combining new advancements in AI with theme park animatronics.
“Can you imagine if the Hall of Presidents was filled with animatronics that thought they were the actual presidents?” Disney Parks Chairman Josh D’Amano states on the company’s official social media channels. “They’d be able to educate so many guests before becoming self-aware, or worse, threatening to unionize.”
Once the company is allowed to use AI without backlash from the unions, insider rumours suggest that heads already kept frozen by the Disney company will be available for purchase at Disneyland gift shops as limited edition snowglobes.
When faced with the same questions, representatives from the other 4 major studios stated that they would never consider freezing the heads of actors to make use of them after their demise and draw the line at creating clones of their stars and passing them off as their children when the original actors start to lose relevance.
