How to enjoy “unseasonably warm” days without dreading inevitable doom - The Beaverton

How to enjoy “unseasonably warm” days without dreading inevitable doom

Ottawa, ON — As spring unfolds with unprecedented warmth, Canadians might wonder how they can enjoy nice weather, while also understanding it’s a sign that our climate is hurling toward uninhabitable doom.

While some environmentalists might suggest activism or processing ecological grief, local enviro-fluencer, Todd Fuckus, says he has more pragmatic solutions for embracing 33° weather in April.

 Buy a reusable stuff

“Beat the heat with a reusable water bottle,” says Fuckus. “People will think you’re a good person, which is a nice little ego boost in the face of a dying planet. And you’ll feel even better if you shop my website and use the code FUCKUS15 for 15% off your first purchase.”  

Join the Conservative Party of Canada

 “Climate change doesn’t exist when you’re Conservative, so it’s a pretty good option if you’re anxious,” says Fuckus. “They’re smarter than the climate scientists whose whole job it is to study this stuff. Which is nice for them; they don’t have to worry about anything – except preserving family values.”

Do your own research

Research whatever your contractor told you about climate change; it’ll make you feel better. When a cold day prompts him to question what happened to global warming? YouTube. When he argues climate has always been cyclical? YouTube. When he sends you a fake petition from 31,000 scientists? YouTube! You might even learn a little something about buying gold while you’re there.


“If all else fails: try not to think about it,” Fuckus continues, popping a weed gummy. “Get into a new show, stumble into an addiction, start CrossFit, download HomeScapes, get a divorce – anything to keep your mind busy. It’ll make warm days much more enjoyable, if you have no time to consider… *makes choking noise*”

There you have it, Canada! Simple ways to take in that summer-like spring, without thinking ahead to forest fires, floods, climate refugees and food scarcity. Search Todd Fuckus’s website for his summer tour stops – dates are subject to weather.