OTTAWA – As crowds gather in the city’s downtown core for the Rolling Thunder motorcycle protest rally, Ottawa Police have released the results of an internal investigation stating that motorcycles are easier to tow than transport trucks.
“Our findings have shown that motorcycles are significantly smaller in width, length and diameter than long haul trucks, and are super easy to move. You can do it with two guys and a pickup truck, worst case scenario.”, said police spokesperson Paulo Blarette, “So this time we’ve put on our big boy pants and are ready to do the job!”
“When you compare a motorbike to, say, an eighteen-wheeler,” Blarette explained, pausing to count on his fingers, “they have sixteen less wheels. And that’s a whole bunch less for the wheel guys to deal with, that’s for sure.”
Ottawa Police drew criticism for their handling of the Freedom Rally trucker protests in January of this year. Both citizens and public officials have asserted that Ottawa Police failed to maintain public order during the crisis, and consistently declined opportunities to arrest criminals.
When asked about the police force’s renewed vigour for performing the duties of law enforcement, Blarette cited several reasons, including “Bridgehead is open this time, so we can take coffee breaks there”, “less covid”, and “most of these guys aren’t even that fascist”.
“What you have to understand,” stated Blarette, “is that the truckers were bigger and scarier than we were. It’s part of the oath we take as police officers, to only pick on those who are smaller and less fascist than us. If they’re bigger and more fascist,” he continued, “then we get really scared and that makes us do peep peeps in our pants. And you can’t wear your big boy pants if you have peep peeps in them, no way.”
Later when questioned via email, Blarette clarified that doing peep peeps in their pants when confronted by fascists was central to the police oath, which officers must pledge in both official languages.
