VICTORIA, BC – After claiming to be experiencing higher than average call volume for a suspiciously long period of time during COVID-19, businesses are now reporting daily customer calls have dropped to “just average” levels.
Consumers this week were stunned to find that their calls to customer service were actually getting through for the first time in two years. Local mom Urvi Chopra says the experience threw her for a loop. “During COVID, calling the bank has meant an entire day of being stuck on hold. I usually use it to binge the latest Netflix series or learn a new language. I was all settled in to catch up on Bridgerton this time when an agent suddenly answered the phone. I couldn’t believe it!”
The return to normal call levels has some service agents concerned. “I started calling customers myself just to see if things were ok,” says one client care representative.
Jennifer Tuffin, a customer experience executive in the telecom industry, says her company’s new and innovative methods for keeping customers off of the phone lines could account for some of the drop in volume. “Our tried-and-true methods of directing callers to our unnavigable website and useless chat bots just weren’t cutting it anymore. Now I’m also requiring our service agents to speak only using ASMR, and respond to everything customers say with “I know you are, but what am I?”. The results are speaking for themselves!”
Not everyone has bought into the claim that businesses were experiencing remarkable levels of customer calls for 24 straight months, however. According to Rodney Leroux, a frequent traveler in the Before Times, “I suspected it was a BS excuse for a while now. I recently peeked through the window at a major airline’s call centre, and there wasn’t even anyone manning the phones – just a cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan on a model train like in Home Alone.”
Now that the jig is up, companies are on the hunt for new excuses for their piss-poor customer service. Some insurance companies, for instance, are testing a new answering machine message informing the caller that all of their agents are either ill, unconscious, or currently trapped in Jumanji.
Now that the pandemic is completely and totally over for good, customers say they are most looking forward to being kept on hold for the regular five hours instead of 20.
