Los Angeles, CA – After receiving heavy criticism for a lack of diversity at this year’s ceremonies, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has pledged to include a larger variety of fighting styles at their award show next year.
“We acknowledge our past ignorance,” began David Rubin, the academy’s current President. “And we understand completely when people call for more diversity. You mean you want to see more types of fighting than just one guy slapping another. You want to see jiu-jitsu, capoeira, and Krav Maga. And we shall deliver.”
In a show of how serious the academy is taking criticism, they have previewed all the weapons they plan to hand celebrities before the event in order to allow them to resolve their petty grievances during a televised event. The list of weapons includes nunchucks, bo staffs, katanas, and blow darts for those who like to attack from afar.
“Originally I was going to boycott the Oscars,” explained Spike Lee. “But once I heard they were allowing more diversity in fighting styles, I couldn’t turn down the opportunity to kick the crap out of Morgan Freeman for Driving Miss Daisy winning over Do The Right Thing. He may have the voice of God, but I’ve got the fists of Christ, bitch.”
Will Smith’s show of violence at this year’s ceremony has raised other important questions for the Academy like who would be the most fun person to see beaten to a bloody pulp, and what kind of weapon should female celebrities be allowed to use on male gazing paparazzi.
“For a long time the Oscars have been afraid to include women,” explained Judi Dench in a recent interview. “But next year I am glad the academy will open up to allow women to beat the shit out of people as well. I have been training for a straight up box the shit out of Perez Hilton, I am going to beat that little fucker into the ground.”
