LONDON, ON – An ontological nightmare has ravaged downtown’s Tabby Kitten Cafe after your coworker and local barista, Noelle Burns, tried to convince the staff that the memory of her shitting her pants is the Mandela Effect.
“False memories can sometimes be shared by multiple people,” said Burns, reading directly from Wikipedia. “So like, for example, a bunch of people falsely remember Nelson Mandela dying in prison or they think they remember the Berenstain Bears being named Berenstein. I would personally add that another prominent example is when my coworkers collectively misremember me shitting my pants.”
The event goes back to July of 2019, when many of us saw Burns slam Americano after Americano during an opening shift while loudly recounting her midnight McDonalds “paleo healthwich” (a Sausage McMuffin with two hashbrowns for buns) and “morning vitamin protocol” (30 miligrams of Vyvanse and fat-loss tea she bought from an Instagram ad that only accepted cryptocurrency).
But is it a real memory? Or like the time we were super certain that Shaq was in that movie? You know, Clueless?
“I’m pretty sure Noelle shit her pants,” said your manager, Michelle Chow. “I specifically remember it because I had to come and take over, and it was the day Amber from Teen Mom had an explosive fight with her boyfriend and it was on the radio and I made a joke, like, today’s been really explosive? No one really laughed because it’s more of a thinker than a knee slapper, which I think is more just representative of my comedy voice in general, you know?”
Chow’s account of the day has been corroborated by many other sources including customer testimonial, security footage, expert reports from several gastroenterologists, forensic DNA evidence, and the results from a shame-sniffing police dog walkthrough. Despite this evidence, is it actually possible that this memory is a collective delusion? Like how everyone collectively remembers that William Shatner line that isn’t actually true? You know, “it’s-a me, TJ Hooker”?
“I already said it didn’t happen, so the Mandela Effect is the only possible conclusion,” said Burns. “I think this effect happens way more than people think. Like, do you remember Paul Martin being Prime Minister? Like actually remember? Because if you actually sit down and try to find the real evidence, there’s nothing. I would bet my entire BBL fund that he doesn’t even exist.”
Burns continues to work at Tabby Kitten Cafe, but uncertainty between Noelle and the rest of us remains high. “No one is really convinced as to the events of that day, but I don’t really know what else to do,” said Burns.
“Honestly my next steps are probably to move to Florida, start a shitty blog, then close that blog and plan my comeback to eventually stop the steal. Y’all just need a bit more convincing.”
