VANCOUVER – Local teens Luke, Ryan, and Tucker were gobsmacked this weekend after finding a laptop with a paid premium account to the explicit website PornHub in the woods behind their school.
“Dude! Jackpot!” exclaimed Ryan after they opened the aging IBM Thinkpad, its withered case holding a vast trove of forbidden pleasures. “Sure the internet has a nearly infinite stockpile of free pornography available, but this… this is even more!”
The teens had heard rumors of the laptop from Tucker’s older brother Mitch. “It was somebody’s dad’s old work computer, apparently,” said Tucker. “And then the kid got it when the dad upgraded, the account was already set-up. God it must be so cool to have a credit card you can buy porn with.”
This was, of course, not the first porn stash the boys had caught wind of. “Colton found a bag of old DVDs once,” said Luke. “But the only DVD player we can use is the one in Ms Snider’s English class, and I think that weird kid Lance still has one, but I’m not going to his house.”
“Apparently kids used to trade stacks of paper with like, a single frame from a video on each page?” said Ryan. “Like those magazines your mom buys with Meghan Markle on the cover. No way that’s moving the needle these days. But this laptop- this is the holy grail.”
Tragically at press time the laptop had almost entirely run out of battery power, and the boys, with no charging cables except those Apple ones that they update every two years, were forced to abandon the black plastic carnal treasure trove and go back to browsing any of the other several hundred free porn sites available to them at all times.
