NANAIMO, BC – According to local sources, the rotting carcass of a beached grey whale has complicated Becky Shelton’s profound spiritual crisis.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love that God is here to carry me at my lowest point,” a distraught Shelton said. “But holy shit, the smell. I’m trying to process my place in the vastitude of creation and it’s just, like, yeesh.”
The whale, which marine biologists believe washed ashore overnight, is being picked apart by a variety of scavengers. Seeing a hawk strip flesh from the majestic animal while curious children pelted the body with rocks totally ruined Shelton’s struggle with her purpose and mortality. “When I said I’d follow the Lord I didn’t realise our journey would go through cannery row,” she said. “Maybe instead of carrying me He should give me nose plugs. Ah Christ, I’m going to vomit.”
The reeking corpse also ruined the afternoon of troubled people trying to moodily contemplate the ocean, meditate in the sand, or hurl emotionally loaded keepsakes into the waves.
“Now that I’ve finally avenged my partner, I’m hoping to find closure by throwing the bullet that killed him into the sea,” said private detective Lance Steele. “But the whole time I’m trying to psyche myself up there’s this hugeass pile of decaying blubber lurking in my peripheral vision. And yes, I tried going further down the beach, but that’s seagull central. You try having an emotional epiphany while hundreds of those fuckers sound off.”
After the gas-laden whale exploded and slathered beachgoers in rotten meat, God asked Shelton to have her next spiritual crisis on a scenic mountain trail.
