LONDON, ON – Sources report middle school student Jasmine Keller recently claimed in front of her whole 7th grade class that her eyes change colour on command, yet when she got up to show everyone, it did not work.
“It’s something I noticed I can do last week”, said Keller over Zoom, clearly looking at herself in her little window and not in the camera. “I was in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror for the 3rd hour in a row when I noticed my eye colour changed from blue to a lighter blue out of sheer will.”
However when prompted to show off her astonishing trick, Keller proved unable to follow through. “Actually, I can’t right now because of pressure, and because the lighting. It also gives me a headache because I have to use a special part of my brain that not everyone has access to.”
While Keller remains unwaveringly convinced that she is possessed of this eerie power, others in her class weren’t so quick to agree. Kaiden Kai, the “class hottie” according to Keller, had this to say as he pushed his Timothee Chalamet hair out of his face, “She just opened her eyes really wide and held her breath but nothing changed. That girl’s such a liar. She wears her gymnastics costume to school and pretends it was the only outfit that was clean. Tell her to stop duetting my TikToks.”
“Jasmine is… special”, said Mrs. Martinez, Keller’s science teacher. “She’s an only child, so she craves attention. It’s physically impossible for one to change their eye colour on command, but I didn’t want to say that in front of the whole class because one time she called me ‘mom’ by accident and then somehow got her period all over her pants and shirt that had the Riverdale cast on it.
“Being 12 is hard,” Mrs. Martinez added, taking a sip from a thermos that clearly smelled like vodka.
Keller went on to explain that she doesn’t just have the ability to change her eye colour with her mind, but is also double-jointed and can read minds. Keller stated, “It’s like, crazy. But I can’t show you right now because my mom said I couldn’t because then science will take me away. Also my mom’s Ariana Grande.”
At press time, Keller had a very obvious eye infection from wearing cheap green contact lenses and was giving pink eye to her whole grade.