YORK — In a joint statement to the press, a consortium of Victorian-era great uncles this week made public their intentions to marry the rich, orphaned heiresses under their legal guardianship.
“It is our solemn resolution to join in domestic bliss and binding financial partnership with our wards,” announced Baron Aldous Grenville to a collection of reporters wearing press credentials in the brims of their top hats, “Thus protecting them from wayward young men who don’t own even one deeply foreboding manor”.
Baron Grenville further disclosed that the brides-to-be will be confined within their chambers until they are of age, and anyone who attempts their rescue will be sent as a prisoner to the Australian colonies.
The young women have thus far voiced strong opposition to marrying anyone so perfectly dreadful and many have protested by throwing slate boards at governesses, running across the moors, and fainting.
“It feels only a fortnight since my father and mother, being of great means, died tragically in a carriage accident,” said Clarissa Waterhouse of her dire circumstances, “and now I am to marry Lord Wyndham Brocklehurst? Gross”.
Isabella Yarwood, of the Yarwood fortune, has taken to sneaking away to her ‘secret garden’ where she is digging an escape tunnel: “It was either this or set my crinoline skirt on fire,” said Yarwood, shoveling dirt furiously, “I simply refuse to wed Bishop Isaiah. He’s not even my third hottest cousin!”
But all is not lost for the women. In defiance to the great uncles, an alliance of alluringly dark, moody bachelors who intend not to marry have announced their own plans to move into the neighbouring estate.
