KITCHENER, ON – In a developing story, local mom and master orator Ruth Baxter, 57, has miraculously transformed her anecdote of running into Barb, a woman her family has only a passing familiarity with, into a gripping twelve-part saga.
“I knew we were in for it when she handed out a map of the greater Kitchener-Waterloo area and character sheet,” said son and unwilling audience member Caleb Baxter, “and now here we are, two hours into the story and she hasn’t even mentioned Barb yet.”
Witnesses report the modern day bard began her tale with an in-depth description of the event’s weather, before going on to chronicle her voyage towards Loblaws, which took her across parking lots and suburban cul de sacs, at one point describing each building within a ten mile radius that used to be a Zellers, a detail that, while bearing no relevance to her story, still received a full 20 minutes.
“I don’t even know which Barb she’s talking about,” admitted husband of 23 years Rick Baxter, “and I won’t know for at least another hour. She’s basically the George R. Martin of banal anecdotes.”
As her epic yarn continued, Baxter expounded on many topics including: her preference of Loblaws over Sobeys; the changing colours of leaves; and the ongoing construction on Wellington street. While the Baxter family may currently be growing fatigued with the seemingly unending epic, it is receiving noticeable attention from scholars.
“Mrs. Baxter has earned a place in the Oral tradition alongside Homer himself,” said Classics historian Dr. Henry Gonzales. “Both in terms of the epic quality of her journey and in terms of sheer duration. One day this saga will be studied in schools.”
At press time, Ruth had not yet introduced the titular Barb of her story, as she was halfway through reciting every item on her grocery list.
