LOUISVILLE, KY – After a botched narcotics raid resulted in the murder of 26-year-old EMT Breonna Taylor this March, a grand jury announced today that ex-officer Brett Hankison would face three counts of Wanton Endangerment in the First Degree for shooting through Taylor’s wall into other apartments.
This comes as a relief to the wall itself, which, after months of waiting, finally received the justice it deserves.
“You can’t imagine the horrors this wall has been through,” its lawyer exclaimed. “All those months spent wondering if the American justice system would finally recognize that it, an inanimate structure made of wood, plaster, and insulation foam, is the true victim in this whole situation. This verdict means so much to every wall that has ever faced police brutality in this country.”
“With this result, we can finally put the #nojusticenopeace hashtag to bed. Just hopefully not a bed that the police will shoot at after breaking into the bed’s apartment with no warning.”
Annie O’Connell, the judge in charge of proclaiming the charges this afternoon, stated that the jury’s decision was a monumental one that would hopefully set a precedent for all future crimes against innocent architectural structures.
“For too long have walls suffered,” she announced to the courtroom, “It has been all too easy to focus on the blatant injustices done to humans and ignore the rights of the structures that allow us to live free in the United States of America. But the charges against Mr. Hankison today prove that the rights of Breonna Taylor’s wall will never again be ignored.”
“While the wall itself might never truly recover, hopefully it will view the results of this trial as the first step towards reparations of hundreds of years of neglect and abuse. Well, that and a quick drywall patching.”
Ex-officer Hankison said a heartfelt apology outside of the courthouse following the verdict.
“I want to offer my most sincere condolences to her hallway wall,” he exclaimed. “I see now that what I did was wrong, and all it took was months and months of nationwide protests to convince me.”
“The wall thing,” he quickly clarified. “I truly deserve my- what was it again? – five minutes of jail time.”
At press time, President Trump had just rage-tweeted “WALL LIVES MATTER!!!!!!”
