BRISTOL, UK – A recent study shows zebras are normal horses that got stripes when they were in their teen years and now they can’t remove them, even though they want to.
The reasons behind the distinct markings on the African equines have puzzled scientists for centuries. It was only when Dr. Tim Caro of the University of Bristol gained access to a zebra’s diary and translated it into English that he was able to determine that the stripes were more of a perennial fad than an evolutionary adaptation.
“We discovered that when a zebra reaches zebra high school, each and every zebra in grade nine dyes stripes into their entire body in a desperate attempt to be cool,” explained Dr. Caro. “only to realize when they get to school that all of their zebra classmates look exactly the same. And of course, the dye is permanent.”
The clue that tipped Caro off was that no pre-teen zebras exist, which led him to look into the key period of zebra adolescence where zebras become painfully self-conscious and start searching for ways to differentiate themselves from the herd. Caro has further hypothesized that many of the zebras were normal horses from North America who travelled to Africa to ‘find themselves’.
For most zebras, the stripes had unintended consequences later in life that the teen equines did not consider when they made such a drastic change at a young age: zebras can’t apply for certain horse jobs, they can’t donate blood, and they also can’t be buried in a Jewish horse cemetery.
Many zebras say they are just grateful that they didn’t adopt the nineties horse craze of going ‘full unicorn’ and get a fake horn implanted, a look which, according to most horses, does not age well.
