MIAMI – Amid spiking COVID-19 figures in the United States, experts have determined that the source of a recent outbreak was a Coronavirus eating contest from two weeks ago.
“We suspect that Chucky P’s Bar & Grill Coronavirus Eat-A-Thon was the likely originating event for the majority of the cases being seen across the state,” said Dr. Albert Chong, of the South Miami Hospital. “Though it is too early to make any conclusive findings, we feel confident that consuming vast quantities of the virus could be considered a high-risk activity”.
The contest, in which participants were challenged to eat more portions of the raw, concentrated virus than other competitors, drew record attendees to the bar, with many flocking from as far as California and Ohio. As an added bonus, the first 150 people into the bar received the chance to get a free taste from the vats of the cultured virus simmering in the kitchen. Chucky P, the owner and operator of the bar, proudly advertised the contest as a way to celebrate the freedom of the United States and send a message to cowardly liberals who think the virus is still a threat.
“It is my God-given right as an American to consume what I want, when I want, in the quantities I want, and no government or health authority can tell me otherwise!” Chucky P is reported to have shouted through a loudspeaker at the event. “And so if I want to consume 30 or 40 heaping, steaming bowls of good ol’, American-grown, Triple A SARS-Cov-2 and let my friends lick the spoon afterwards then, damn it, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do! Now how ‘bout you?!”
The Federal government has not yet banned people from shoving spoonful after spoonful of delicious coronavirus directly into their mouths and savouring the fine taste of recklessness, choosing instead to leave those decisions to the state-level. For its part, Florida has explicitly recognized that, while repeatedly putting infectious agents onto your tongue may stoke concern, eating contests are a fundamental part of the state economy and Florida culture. Governor Ron DeSantis asserted that the financial harm of banning people from participating in completely unnecessary activities far outweighed the harm posed by the virus.
“At first I was a little worried about what might happen if I went,” said Travis Mutt, speaking from quarantine, “but when I got into the bar and stood shoulder to shoulder with other proud Americans, pushing back against the tyranny of widely-accepted scientific data, and breathing in their coughs, I knew I had made the right choice.”
“Plus every participant got a free glass of Hydroxychloroquine to wash it down so it’s even more safe,” he continued.
Chucky P has confirmed that Burt Bunt, the winner of the contest, will receive a life-time supply of the bar’s hot wings and dibs on the first open spot at the local hospital’s overloaded ICU, unless he dies first.
