OUTER SOLAR SYSTEM – The seventh planet from the sun is done being treated as a joke and is demanding humanity start taking it and its dramatic aspirations seriously.
“Neptune doesn’t have to put up with all this bum humour shit,” Uranus said, taking a long drag on its cigarette. “We’re both ice giants — yeah, that’s right, I’m not a gas giant, so your fart jokes about me are not only puerile, but scientifically inaccurate — and it’s not fair that just because your species finds butts hilarious, I’m a joke to you people.”
Uranus is hoping that once it educates the English speaking public through its dramatic and educational one planet show Uranus, Up Close, the derriere references will stop.
“I’m the coldest planet in the solar system,” Uranus said. “I’m only 49 degrees above absolute zero. I’m a serious planetary body, full of ammonia and yes, methane — I know, fart gas — but to reiterate, I am not a gas giant! I’m huge and icy and distant, like an authority figure you’ve never met but who you know would disapprove of you. I should inspire awe, not giggles.”
“Did you know I have diamond rain? And I’m covered in a featureless layer of clouds, which only adds to my mystery — yes, some of the clouds are methane, omg, can you get your minds out of your asses for one minute?”
Neptune, Uranus’ fellow ice giant, is worried about what will happen when the show doesn’t have the effect Uranus thinks it will. “I mean, no matter how majestic or terrifying it is, at the end of the day its name in English will still sound like ‘your anus.’”
“I just hope you people wise up and start treating Uranus better than you did Pluto. It’s always been a bit goth, really leaned into the god of the underworld vibe, but since you downgraded it to a satellite or comet or whatever, it’s positively morose.”
