TORONTO – Well-meaning Kensington Market local Bradford Smith, 26, was found to be inexplicably able to recite famed rap song ‘Lose Yourself’ word-for-word, despite not being able to remember the pronouns of his best friend of 16 years, Jayden Xane, 25.
“I’ve been best friends with Jayden for years and some of my best, dopest memories have been with him. Sorry, her. Is it ze? Hold on, it’s thon. It’s totally thon.” After struggling for fifteen more minutes, Smith continued, “Yeah, I feel like I practically came from the womb with this guy. Sorry – dude. Man, this gender talk makes my knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on my sweater already, mom’s spaghetti.”
Smith proceeded to shout-sing the entire rest of the song as a mob of white bros gathered around and joined him. They continued into a medley with Smashmouth’s “All-Star”, including the third verse that no one cares for before dispersing into the streets.
“It sucks because I know Brad and he really is trying, but I go by they/them – pronoun easy mode,” Jayden explained. “It’s unfair! He remembers all the finishing moves in Mortal Kombat and every Maple Leafs draft pick from the last ten years. And I remember all the names of his exes to not say out loud. Do you know how hard it is never to say ‘Sarah’?
“I even rewrote a pronoun-inclusive version of the Eminem song as ‘Lose Themself’. He managed to screw up every single word.”
While Smith claimed to want to do better, he still couldn’t remember how to pronounce his ethnic friend’s last name even though he was eager to talk endlessly about the one Slavoj Zizek YouTube video he watched. “I really want to get it right,” pledged Smith. “Because at this point in our friendship I only have one shot. One opportunity. To seize everything I ever wanted…” he continued without ever stopping.
