WINDSOR, ON – In the throes of late-stage quarantining Robert Greene, 55, advanced his long-lasting search for love and romance by downloading the widely spreading COVID-19 contact tracing app, but has gotten no matches with it.
“I’m an older, slower guy. I watched all these young’uns find love on OKCupid, Tinder, TikTok. And I decided to get in on the lovin’ by downloading this new app everyone’s been talking about,” Greene said brandishing his brand new iPhone 11 Pro. “I used to have an iPhone 1, but the app forced me to upgrade.”
“So far the only message I’ve gotten is ‘No exposure detected.’ I haven’t even exposed myself yet, though the private pictures are ready and waiting.”
Greene heard that the Windsor-Essex region was a hotspot, so the lonely fellow decided to move there from abroad to find a match. He then found himself required to spend 14 days in isolation, furthering his solitude.
“I had so many slick pick-up lines too!” Greene whined as he gestured to his notification-free device. “Looking for mask-for-mask? Wanna be my quaran-ting? Call me bacteria ‘cause I wanna be all over you. I have a million of these gems! I haven’t traced a single contact this whole time.”
Despite not being able to discover true love through the public safety app, Greene pursued his happiness by searching up missed connections on Google Maps and by hoping the next amber alert he gets would happen to be a broad declaration of love.
