OTTAWA – Aerospace manufacturer Lockheed Martin has presented its newest metal phallus to the Canadian government in a bid to win the $19 billion competition to replace the military’s aging peckers.
“Now that is a dick,” said Lockheed Martin representative Alan Cunningham. “The shape, the sheen, there’s no doubt that this is the most impressive thing to pierce the pale blue that you ever saw.”
The courtship comes 10 years after the Harper government wasn’t able to bring its plan to purchase 65 of the girthy F-35A unit to completion due to cost overruns and reliability issues. Lockheed was quick to point out that many of the early dysfunctions have been corrected and costs will continue to shrink throughout the life of schlong.
“This thing gets up in a hurry now,” assured Cunningham. “The only performance issue you’ll have is keeping it sheathed when there’s any geopolitical excitement.”
The government will now review the F-35 alongside the Saab Gripen and McDonnell Douglas F/A-18 to determine which sleek new embodiment of fragile masculinity they will spends billions of dollars on.
“We hope the Canadian people will make the right decision and choose the thrust, maneuverability, and rigidity of the F-35 as their flying metal dick of the future,” concluded a somewhat flushed Cunningham.
At press time the Royal Canadian Navy was voicing concerns that money for these new airborne penises could be better spent updating their giant submersible penises.
